Ditsy girl: Yeah, there are so many terms I was unaware of, like I didn’t even know what love handles were until this year.
Ditsy girl’s friend: You mean until you got them?
- Douglas Cafeteria

Guy: I walked in and they were having sex. But I just stood there making gross noises. Hopefully I can just drink this one off.
- Douglas Hall

Guy 1: Man I really want to learn how to ride horses
Guy 2: Oh ya you should talk to Sarah. She jumps horses and stuff.
Guy 1: With what?
Guy 2: What do you mean, ‘with what’?
Guy 1: I mean with like motorcycles or cars or what?
Guy 2: What the fuck?
Guy 1: Man, like how does she clear the horses? Does she jump over them with a motorcycle or what?
- Douglas Hall

Guy 1: So you never the word “like” now?
Guy 2: I use it in similies, or, like….
*pause*
Guy 2 makes the motion of shooting himself in the head.

—Douglas

Guy: “Under this scared white boy facade, I’m really a strong black woman!”
—Douglas

Guy: Ive chewed on it, put it in my mouth, sucked it, and scratched myself with it. Do you still wanna play with it?

—Douglas

Guy 1: Hey, do you guys know why there are three Starbursts on top of the toilet?
Guy 2: Oh, those are mine!

—Douglas

Guy: “Eggs are just chicken menstruation”
Tired Guy: “Best menstruation I’ve ever had!”

—Douglas

Girl: Boys are so obsessed with cars, like if you put a toy car in front of a little boy he would start playing with it in 30 seconds
Boy: 30 seconds? I would start playing with it right away..
Girl: Yeah…well I’m including special ed kids

—Douglas

Girl 1: Oh, I loved it so much, it looked like an Igloo Person!
Girl 2: …an Eskimo?

—Douglas