Girl: Food, when you’re high, is like porn. It’s just sooo good.

-New Rez Caf

Guy: How did you find your sources?

Girl: I sucked Wikipedia’s dick.

-New Rez Caf

Girl: (discussing Inglourious Basterds) Didn’t any, like, historians or whatever, look at it before it was released? I’m pretty sure that’s not what happened.
-New Rez

Girl: So I’m doing my laundry and my bras are all in a big pile, when these two asians walk in. And they were totally like, talking in asian about me. Then stole my dryer.

-New Rez laundry room

Guy 1: With so much plastic surgery these days, it’s so hard to tell how old a person is by just looking at them.
Guy 2: If you really wanna know, just look at a person’s hands. You can tell by age spots and wrinkles.
Girl: Not me! When I get older I’m gonna get a hand job!

-New Rez

(Ed Note: Tasteless rape-related quote has been moved under the fold; more objectionable than usual.) (more…)

Girl #1: Dude! That girl definitely just cut us in line! You gotta say something to her.
Girl #2: Ahh I can’t. She irrigates my crops on Farmville.

-New Rez

(At Metro Grocery Store. New Rez Girl surveys her shopping cart.)

New Rez Girl: You know, this is gonna be SO expen.

–Metro

Girl 1: Oh my god. Like, there aren’t enough veggie choices in the caf. I think I’m just going to get pizza again.
Girl 2: OH, SO YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE VEGETARIANS!
Girl 1 looks confused
Girl 2: You don’t eat chicken but you’ll eat tomato sauce!
Girl 1 stares in confusion and awe

-New Rez

Two girls in a New Rez elevator; one is crying:

Girl #1: Are you OK? You should lie down. It feels better to cry in your own bed.
Girl #2: (Sobbing) No, I won’t be able to sleep tonight…
Girl #1: OK. Well, do you want me to start up “The Sims”?
Girl #2: …yeah.

–New Rez