Girl: That’s what my skill is when I’m drunk – flushing toilets

- Burnside

*Drunk girl cracks open a beer*

Sober girl: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Drunk girl: I’m fine! Ask me anything!
Sober girl: Ok. What does Serotonin do?
Drunk girl: Sero-tonin?
Sober girl: See, you’re drunk!
Drunk girl: But…Sarah Tonin! I don’t know who she is!

-New Rez

Girl: How can you have sexual thoughts about Jesus!?!?!

-Aylmer & St. Catherine

Girl on the phone: So I figured it out. I thought I had swine flu because I had all the symptoms, including the nausea. But now I think it was just a hangover.

-Metro Grocery Store

Guy: This is the first time I’ve been to class sober in a long time. Class should have an open bar.
-Leacock 132

Cop: Ladies, you’re not allowed to have open alcohol in public.
Girl #1: We know…
Girl #2: But we’re in the ghetto! Does that count?

-Milton & Hutchison

Drunk girl: YOU smell like peppermint schnapps, too!
Sober girl: Actually, that’s my toothpaste…

–Durocher

Guy 1: Yeah, I heard he gave her a little Valentine’s day present.

Guy 2: I’d give her a BIG Valentine’s Day present.

*Pause*

Guy 2: My penis!

Guy (on phone): You’re just looking for the cheapest way possible to get completely wasted. Here at McGill, we have class. We drink, like, Rum Runner.

-University & Milton

A couple is walking out of a restaurant.

Guy: Now it’s time for surprise number three!
Girl: Don’t you mean surprise number two?
Guy: No, surprise two was taking you to dinner.
Girl: What was surprise number one, then?
Guy: Having sex before dinner.

Girl pauses to think.

Girl: Oh, right.

-St. Catherine