Guy 1: You shouldn’t talk shit behind my back.
Guy 2: It’s not shit if it’s true. It’s not like I’m ruining your reputation. It’s already pretty bad. It’d be like if I beat up a crippled guy. He’s already in so much pain, what’s another black eye?

—Burnside Basement

Guy: “If my plane blew up on the way to Ireland, I would be really upset. If it blew up on the way back, I’d be OK.”

—stewart bio

Prof: I have life insurance out for me for $900,000…I’m worth more dead than alive now!
Class: chuckles
Prof: That’s not incentive to kill me; you won’t get any of it.

—ACCT 455

Girl 1: What are we doing with our lives?
Girl 2: I have to pee.

—Currie Gym

(girl takes off her sweater, revealing a tank top underneath, as the professor is talking)
Professor: Do you want music with that?
Girl: What?
Professor: You appear to be taking off all your clothes. Would you like music with that?
Class: (shocked silence, scattered laughs)

—ECON 209 (Intro. to Macroeconomics)

Girl 1:…so then they made us watch this whole movie on Hellen Keller’s life and—
Girl 2: wait wait…Hellen Keller, who is that? I know that name. Doesn’t she live in upper rez or something?

—New Rez caf

Prof: So which country do you think has the highest suicide rate?
Guy: um, the Netherlands… like Norway and stuff

—abnormal psych

Prof: I discovered YouTube this weekend.
(class: scattered claps)
Prof: yeah beer and YouTube…bad combination…or maybe a good combination

—Poli 345- International Organization

Model UN Delegate: That makes about as much sense as opening a gay bar in Texas.

—McMun 2007