Girl: My friend from the seminary is pregnant! With a baby! In her tummy!

—RVC

“Wait, when you die, don’t your genitals keep on growing?”

—Burnside

Girl 1 and Girl 2 stop to fawn over miniature dog that another girl has
Girl 1: omg he is soo adorable. helloo, helloo there little guy. aww. so cute
Girl 1 and Girl 2 walk away from girl with dog
Girl 2: oh he was so cute, i wish i could have one
Girl 1: i wish i could have stepped on the little thing and squished its little head

—Milton Gates

Girl: Yeah well at least with slavery they give you housing and food. But with unpaid internships, they don’t pay for anything!

—Geo Lounge, Burnside

(Guy and girl are walking up steps)

Guy: But seriously, aren’t you afraid that when you give birth you’re going to shit yourself?

—Molson

Guy: Mondays are way more fun when you’re high all day.

—New Rez

 

Girl (on phone): She did what?! With whom? And she hasn’t been to confession in HOW LONG!? Oh my god, she is SO on the express route to hell!

—Lorne

Guy: (to girl) “So i was leaning over and he was just pounding away.”
Another guy walks up: “So dude, you’re gay? I mean it sounds like anal is your thing.”
Girl: “You’re sick! He was leaning over the railing handing his brother a nail while his brother hammered a board in place!”

—Shatner

Student (confused by geometric shape): So, why is it called an astroid?
Prof: Because it’s spaced out!

—MATH 151

Girl who obsesses with the meaningless: Who do you think would win between a pig and a bat? I think a bat would win!

—Second Cup on McGill College