Prof: Don’t ask sentences to perform multiple tasks. Multi-tasking is for women only.
–EAPR 250

(Studying for the midterm in Terrestrial Planets, the quintessential bird course; Girl 1 has just claimed she’ll ace the exam)
Guy: So you have Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars as the terrestrial planets.
Girl 1 (who just claimed she’ll ace the exam): Wait, Mars isn’t a planet, it’s a moon!
Guy: (Frozen with shock) Umm.. No, you’re wrong.
Girl 2: (with certainty to girl 1) No, Mercury is the moon.
Guy: (walks away in disgust)
- Walking into midterm.

Prof (mentioning the high taxes in france): …so they can then subsidise their education, and health, and army after army after army … (pauses) … of public servants.
- Econ 208

Professor: What are you eating in my class?
Student: Carrots. Want some?
Professor: No, thank you. I had bananas this morning.
- Leacock 132

Professor: So… today is Valentine’s Day…
Guy 1: Woo!
Guy 2: BOOOO!!
Professor: Loser!
- Abnormal Psychology

(Discussing a vague assignment)
Comp 206 teacher: You know, in the real world, your assignments won’t be much more clear
Girl: Well…this is NOT the real world!
- COMP 206 class

Girl: I’ve been getting “A”s in my Psych class, which is really good, ’cause I don’t really get “A”s. I’m hardcore dumb.
- English 203

Prof: ..for example, some damselfish populations have only one male. And if the male gets killed, one of the females will transform into a male within hours.
Student: How do you figure out gender on the reef?
Prof: We can tell because all of a sudden they stop asking for directions.
- Stewart

Professor: Now, if only I were teaching at HARVARD…
Class: OOHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Professor: No-n-No! I meant it for the MONEY!
- Leacock 132

Prof: …This gentleman, Louis Pasteur, was the person who gained fame for sending cows out into the pasteur to be pasteurized.
Class: (still listening in silence)
Prof: That was a joke…
- Chem 120, Am class