Girl: Ever since I started making an effort to look good for school, I’ve felt so good about myself. Now, people are calling me! (pause) For sex.

-Sherbrooke and McGill College

Girl 1: Oh my god. Like, there aren’t enough veggie choices in the caf. I think I’m just going to get pizza again.
Girl 2: OH, SO YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE VEGETARIANS!
Girl 1 looks confused
Girl 2: You don’t eat chicken but you’ll eat tomato sauce!
Girl 1 stares in confusion and awe

-New Rez

Chinese girl: I’m black in South Africa. There’s a new by-law.

-Burnside

A slide with a picture of Robert Mugabe is shown.

Guest lecturer: You guys have seen that t-shirt that says “Guns don’t kill people, mustaches kill people”. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. So many bad people throughout history have had horrible mustaches! Hitler, Stalin, Mugabe… all had mustaches!

Class laughs.

Guest lecturer: No, really, mustache aside, he really is a murderer and a bad person.

-POLI 324

Girl: Wait, wait.. What’s your name?
Guy: It rhymes with Fran. Just take out the R and change the F.
Girl: Tyler?

-MORE house

Two girls in a New Rez elevator; one is crying:

Girl #1: Are you OK? You should lie down. It feels better to cry in your own bed.
Girl #2: (Sobbing) No, I won’t be able to sleep tonight…
Girl #1: OK. Well, do you want me to start up “The Sims”?
Girl #2: …yeah.

–New Rez

Guy approaches a friend using the self-checkout in McLennan

Guy 1: What is this thing?
Friend: It’s how you check out books from the library.
Guy 1 (proudly): Oh, well I’ve managed to get through my entire undergrad without ever using the library!

-McLennan Library

Bro 1: If you just eat a whole chicken for breakfast, is that enough protein for the day?
Bro 2: No man, you don’t get protein from chicken, you get it from protein shakes…dumbass.

-New Rez

Professor: My computer always crashes. I have a dual core. Not sure where the other one is; I paid for two, though.

-Leacock auditorium, CHEM 212

Girl: Don’t have sex on the couch!
Guy: Why not? You can have sex on the couch, I don’t mind.
Girl: Mhh, you wouldn’t like that. I’m a fountain.

-Aylmer