Girl 1: Did you figure out what you’re doing for Valentine’s Day?
Girl 2: Yeah, slitting my wrists.

—Poli 345

[A student raises his hand and asks a question]

Prof: Mike? Are you stoned again in class? Come on…you know there’s a time and place for everything. And after 4:00 is reefer time.

—Cognition

(Prof, trying to get a student to summarize a reading)
Prof: Come on…nobody? It was like a one page pdf.
(Class Silent)
Prof: You could have sat down on the toilet, downloaded it on a wireless and read it before you were even finished!
(Class laughs awkwardly)
Prof: And you wouldnt have had to pay a urine tax!—Hist 375: Early Roman Empire

[As she reads from "Daddy's Roommate", a children's book about having gay parents]
Prof: ‘Daddy and Frank do everything together. They shave together-’
[Pauses]
Prof: [to class] …I’m sorry, but if I was a lesbian, I don’t think I’d shave my legs with my girlfriend. Besides, WHAT do they shave together? ‘Hey, honey, wanna help me shave my pits?’

—Elementary Education 325

Girl 1 (to Guy 1): Yeah so … that guy Bob*? The gay one? So we went to see a counsellor and now he’s cured.
Guy 1 : (awkward pause) Umm …—POLI-339 conference

Girl 1: Oh my god, I love that show!
Girl 2: Oh, me too!
Girl 1: I used to hate it so much, and then… actually I hate that show.
Girl 2: Me too.

—class

Prof: So its not really kosher to do the calculations this way…
Guy (asking girl next to him): What does kosher have anything to do with chemistry?

—Gen Chem 120

Prof: War is not fun. And Vietnam certainly wasn’t fun.

—POLI-346

(in a lecture of about 300 people)
Prof: Sex has a lot to do with cognitive focus. Thats why men who are getting overexcited try to focus on things like baseball.
Guy: (depressed) It doesnt work.

—McIntyre Building

Girl: “… but like, I don’t understand… like, what are we trying to solve here? Like, is it the-”
Prof: “Alright, I think you’ve used up your quota of ‘like’s for today!”
Girl: “But like-”
Prof: “NO! Next question.”

—McConnell Engineering