Guy 1: And then he gets an allergic reaction!
Guy 2: What the fuck!
Guy 1: I know! And he starts trying to talk to me. And I’m like, what am I, a fucking charity?
Guy 2: I hate charity! That’s fucked up!
Guy 1: I’m thinking, if I wanted to donate to charity, I’d throw some change at the guy, but leave me the fuck alone.
—Boustan’s 

Drunk Girl: I’ll give you all AIDS!!! MOTHER FUCKING HIV!!!

—Lodge

Guy: Hey so how was you night last night.
Girl: Well I went to Lodge, it was great.
Guy: Really? Earlier in the day you were all stressed because you had an essay due, and you kept going on how you were gonna for sure do it last night.
Girl: Ya that made it even harder to go. But, really it was easy to justify. I mean my parents paid so I could get an education, not just a book education, but an education.
(Guy is a bit perplexed)
Guy: But, still…you’re gonna fail your essay.

—BMH

(Girls are parting before Girl 1 walks into Brutopia)
Girl 1: Good night! (hugs)
Girl 2: Good night! Don’t hook up with any creepy guys, and NO LINGUISTS!
Girl 3: Yeah, no fucking linguists. Unless they’re hot.
Girl 2: No! Not even then! No linguists!

—outside of Brutopia

Management Girl (Talking to her friend in Science): You Science people think that you know everything. Just because you’re in Science doesn’t mean that you know more than me.
Science Friend: Alright, why don’t you prove it? What does the C in E = mc² stand for?
Management girl (Being completely serious): Thats too easy. THE C stands for CHAOS!!
—Gardner

(Prof has just been explaining molecular orbitals for the last half hour)
Student: Yes but what about E = mc² ?
(entire class stares in silence….)
Prof: Ok… ummm…. that has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.
—-Chem 212

[Ed Note: When one of our edtiors read these two quotes, it resulted in the following:]
(at a party)
Editor: Hey, do me a favor.
girl: Sure
Editor: What’s the e in E = mc² stand for?
Girl: (confused look) …?
Editor: E… = mc².
Girl: …?
Editor: Einstein?
Girl: What?
Editor: You just made my day, I love you.

(in a retort to a fellow drunken cohort)
Drunk guy: “…oh yeah? Well you should gag on my balls.”

—Brutopia

(Guy sitting at bar drinking out of a pitcher at Biftek)

Bartender: Um, Sir, would you please drink out of a beer mug?
Guy: Naw its okay i’m fine with the pitcher.
Bartender: No, Sir, its for sanitary reasons, we don’t wash the pitchers.
Guy’s girlfriend: Eew get a mug.
Guy: Naw it’s okay, I’m almost done.

—Biftek

At a hookah bar
Girl 1: What flavors did we order?
Girl 2: Coconut and Cappuccino
Girl 1: If we come back, can we mix flavors? Some of these would be really good together!
Girl 2: I know! Wouldn’t it be cool if they had cinnamon!
Girl 1:…or nutmeg!
Girl 3: Oh My God! That would be like smoking Christmas!!!!

[Group stunned in silence]

(Several girls sitting outside a New Rez room)
Girl 1: OMG, the story is so funny, but it’s really really long. I can’t tell
the whole thing.
Girl 2: Oh please, come on, just tell it!
Girl 3: Can’t you just abridge it?
Girl 1: What about a bridge?
(stunned silence)

—New Rez