Girl 1: Yo, I woke up without pants on. What even happened last night?
Girl 2: You passed out on the toilet with the door wide open. We tried to put your pants back on, but you wouldn’t let us.
Girl 1: Oh thank God, I thought I had sex.

–Gardner Hall 

Girl 1: Yeah, he is really cute but he lives in Solin and thats far.
Girl 2:  Yeah totally. Long distance relationships are way too hard.

—New Rez Caf

(in a retort to a fellow drunken cohort)
Drunk guy: “…oh yeah? Well you should gag on my balls.”

—Brutopia

Guy 1: You shouldn’t talk shit behind my back.
Guy 2: It’s not shit if it’s true. It’s not like I’m ruining your reputation. It’s already pretty bad. It’d be like if I beat up a crippled guy. He’s already in so much pain, what’s another black eye?

—Burnside Basement

Guy: “If my plane blew up on the way to Ireland, I would be really upset. If it blew up on the way back, I’d be OK.”

—stewart bio

(girl takes off her sweater, revealing a tank top underneath, as the professor is talking)
Professor: Do you want music with that?
Girl: What?
Professor: You appear to be taking off all your clothes. Would you like music with that?
Class: (shocked silence, scattered laughs)

—ECON 209 (Intro. to Macroeconomics)

Prof: I discovered YouTube this weekend.
(class: scattered claps)
Prof: yeah beer and YouTube…bad combination…or maybe a good combination

—Poli 345- International Organization

Model UN Delegate: That makes about as much sense as opening a gay bar in Texas.

—McMun 2007

(Guy sitting at bar drinking out of a pitcher at Biftek)

Bartender: Um, Sir, would you please drink out of a beer mug?
Guy: Naw its okay i’m fine with the pitcher.
Bartender: No, Sir, its for sanitary reasons, we don’t wash the pitchers.
Guy’s girlfriend: Eew get a mug.
Guy: Naw it’s okay, I’m almost done.

—Biftek