Professor: “We have recently seen a resurgence of capitalism in the U.S.”
(pauses)
Professor: “Oops, i mean a resurgence of capital punishment. You have to forgive me, I had a long night yesterday. I had to tend to certain vices…”
Professor: (sticks out tongue) “Certain good vices.”
(Class erupts in laughter)
Professor: (blushing) Oh god, I’ve already said too much.

—POLI 345 (International Organizations)

(Ed Note: This is a combination of two similar submissions of the same quote)

Girl 1: What’s your bio conference topic?
Guy: I’m doing inbreeding!
Girl 2: What’s that?
Girl 2 flashes girl 1 a bewildered stare.
Girl 2: Sex?
Girl 1: Incest…
Girl 2(disgusted): with animals?!

—Douglas Caf

Guy 1: man, you know when we were drunk last night and thought [redacted] was in his room? turns out he was going down on [redacted].
Guy 2: that’s disgusting. dude i saw her with her shirt off yesterday and i almost puked up my free beer.
- ATOC-240

Prof: Most rapes on university campuses take place in class rooms.
Girl: Like, during lectures??!!

Girl: I’ve never seen porn.
Guy: You’ve never seen porn??
Girl: Well, one time my friend tried to show me porn on the internet, but all she could find was these girls putting milk up their ass…

really drunk girl: (slurring her words) Oh my god, where are we going? I am so DRUNK!
other girl: Yeah, but it doesn’t matter! You won’t remember any of this in the morning!
really drunk girl: (laughs) SO TRUE.

— Alymer and Prince Arthur

Girl: You’ll always be my VP External!
(Handsome) Boy: Thanks baby, I can be your VP Internal if you want me to be
Girl: EWW!
- Douglas 

Girl 1: And she’s TOTALLY a virgin!
Girl 2 (incredulously): Really?
Girl 1: Or I could be totally making that up. But still!

—McConnell Engineering, Stairwell

(Two girls walking together)
Girl 1 (to her friend as she’s laughing): “Her dad, like, wants me. It’s gross!”

— Milton

Girl in the hall: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
(pauses)
…facebook!!
- Molson