Jew #1: The library is closed on Good Friday
Jew #2: Why?
Jew #1: Because Jesus died or something
Aggravated blonde Christian girl explains the story of Easter
Jew #2: So… isn’t it a coincidence that Jesus died at the end of Lent? What did he give up? Water or something?

—Redpath

(two drunken semi-dressed people come out of a bedroom to find another drunk girl with a bleeding hand)

Drunk girl: I’m bleeding!!! Helppp!
Semi-dressed drunk girl: Shit! Put it under water!
Semi-dressed drunk guy: It’s okay — I’m a lifeguard!

—Upper Rez

(In the computer lab, two guys are talking quite loudly)

Annoyed Guy: Man that guy needs to shut-up
Annoyed Guy’s friend: Want me to stick something in his mouth?

—FDA 1

A flock of about 20 giant, bright-white seagulls eating a sandwich outside redpath.

McGill girl, to friend: “That’s a huuuuuge pigeon!”
Random Guy: “That’s a seagull.”

—Redpath doors

Prof: And then Fanon mentions the wanton violence of–
Foreign student: Excuse me…won ton?…
Prof: uhh…WAnton. WAAAAAnton.

—Leacock 132, POLI 232

Girl 1: So why did you dump him?
Girl 2: Because, he was like, REALLY creepy!
Girl 1: What? Oh my god! How? He was perfect?
Girl 2: Ya, but he said he fantasized about eating babies.
Girl 1: So what?
Girl 2: …Oh my god! I am SO glad you convinced me to stay with him! You’re right. He’s totally perfect.
Girl 1: So you don’t care about the fact he wants to eat babies?
Girl 2: Well, that way at least if I got pregnant, I like, wouldn’t have to go to the doctor’s office to get rid of it!
Girl 1: Ya, I love saving time.

—On Milton

Guy 1: “Dude, what’s wrong?”
Guy 2: “Man, I can’t figure out if I got a pass on my midterm.”
Guy 1: “Oh, I’m good at math. What did you get?”
Guy 2: (really seriously) “37%”
Guy 1 (stares blankly): “Dude, that’s fucked.”

—Waiting for the lights to change at Milton Gates

Guy 1: “You know what’s really hot?”
Guy 2: “What?”
Guy 1: “Sniffing a sexy chick’s underwear”
Guy 2: “Yeah man.”
Guy 1: “So you do it too? I do it after sex when she leaves the room?”
Guy 2: “Yeah. Me too. But usually, it’s my mom’s underwear so my girlfriend doesn’t get weirded out.”

—before class

Girl to friend: Oh my god, I told the BEST April Fools joke today…I told my boyfriend I was pregnant! It was hilarious!

—Eaton Center

New Rez Toronto Girl: Ah I’m so mad that I didn’t get on birthright. Fuck this, how do I join hezbollah?

—St Denis