(In the computer lab, two guys are talking quite loudly)

Annoyed Guy: Man that guy needs to shut-up
Annoyed Guy’s friend: Want me to stick something in his mouth?

—FDA 1

Girl 1: So why did you dump him?
Girl 2: Because, he was like, REALLY creepy!
Girl 1: What? Oh my god! How? He was perfect?
Girl 2: Ya, but he said he fantasized about eating babies.
Girl 1: So what?
Girl 2: …Oh my god! I am SO glad you convinced me to stay with him! You’re right. He’s totally perfect.
Girl 1: So you don’t care about the fact he wants to eat babies?
Girl 2: Well, that way at least if I got pregnant, I like, wouldn’t have to go to the doctor’s office to get rid of it!
Girl 1: Ya, I love saving time.

—On Milton

Guy 1: “Dude, what’s wrong?”
Guy 2: “Man, I can’t figure out if I got a pass on my midterm.”
Guy 1: “Oh, I’m good at math. What did you get?”
Guy 2: (really seriously) “37%”
Guy 1 (stares blankly): “Dude, that’s fucked.”

—Waiting for the lights to change at Milton Gates

Guy 1: “You know what’s really hot?”
Guy 2: “What?”
Guy 1: “Sniffing a sexy chick’s underwear”
Guy 2: “Yeah man.”
Guy 1: “So you do it too? I do it after sex when she leaves the room?”
Guy 2: “Yeah. Me too. But usually, it’s my mom’s underwear so my girlfriend doesn’t get weirded out.”

—before class

Girl to friend: Oh my god, I told the BEST April Fools joke today…I told my boyfriend I was pregnant! It was hilarious!

—Eaton Center

“Man, I want a big fat fucking drink. Fatter than a fat fucking woman.”

—Red and White Graduation Ball

(A prof criticizing a student’s paper because the thesis is not made explicit enough.)
Prof: Your paper is doing some heavy petting, but it’s not going all the way!

—HIST 551: Ancient History Seminar

Girl 1: No, dude, I never knew New Jersey was in New York!
Girl 2: Yeah… I didn’t even know New Jersey was a city!!!

—Stanley and St. Caths

Girl: My friend from the seminary is pregnant! With a baby! In her tummy!

—RVC

“Wait, when you die, don’t your genitals keep on growing?”

—Burnside